ELVIS TO FALWELL: “BACK OFF”

The deceased Elvis Presley, who died in his home August 16, 1977, today issued via an audio only clip on YouTube, in response to deceased televandalist Jerry Falwell’s plea to Jesus Christ that he renounce his newly chosen savior, music producer T Bone Burnett; “Dear Mr. Falwell, sir…please ease up on Jesus. I don’t know who T Bone is or why the hell they named him that, but if Jesus likes him enough tuh worship him he can’t be all bad. Now I know yer a man uh the cloth, and you’re my Christian brother up here for a long long time and we all gotta git along. But dontcha go tellin’ Jesus what to do.’ “He’s a fine boy and He’s made His Daddy proud, just like I hope I made mine. But ya can’t go pickin’ on Him for havin’ a savior. Hell, I mean, heaven, I looked up to other singers, and weren’t nothin’ wrong with that, I weren’t cheatin’ on my fans or nothin’, so why can’t Jesus have his own Jesus?  You like other preachers, dontcha? You tellin’ me you never wanted to be like Billy Graham?  Well, I knew Mr. Billy Graham, sir, and ya ain’t no damn Billy Graham.’ “We got everything we want up here, why dontcha take one uh my angel girls out for a spin and git some wind in your hair an’ try an’ relax. Jesus knows what He’s doin, He’s the Son uh God, for Christ’s sake! Let him worship T Bone if He wants. Back off, preacher man, you keep yappin’ yer mouth, yer likely to get ‘im all riled up and then we’ll ALL have hell to pay.’ “Speakin’ uh T Bone, where can I get me a good steak around here? I need me some protein! I done got suh lanky from all these fruits and grapes and stuff, all my purty jump suits are all saggy on me. Can somebody just please find me uh steak?” 

JERRY FALWELL CHALLENGES CHRIST TO DEBATE

Things are heating up in heaven, as they say. Deceased televandalist Jerry Falwell today issued a blunt rebuttal to the YouTube audio only announcement by Jesus Christ, which states that he has chosen popular music producer T Bone Burnett as his first ever lord and savior. Mr. Falwell issued the following statement via his own audio only message on YouTube shortly after the announcement from Christ: “I must respectfully protest the shocking and disheartening announcement by my lord and savior, Jesus Christ, today on YouTube. He has chosen to accept a mortal Christian earthling, a Mr. T Bone Burnett, as His personal messiah. According to the word of God, The Holy Bible, we are to put no idols above Jesus Christ, and must love and serve only Him with all our hearts. While I cannot claim to understand the inner workings of His heart, in obedience to His word, I must denounce His decision. If He is going to have anybody as a savior, it should be Himself.’ “ Not only does it contradict His Father’s commandment to love and serve His Son, it sends the wrong message to the youth of America, who are on quite a slippery slope as it is. If they see Jesus Christ glorifying a rock star, Christian or otherwise, that certainly counts as undue influence to follow suit.’ “I am afraid that Mr. Christ must immediately retract His statement in order to prevent young people everywhere from idolizing musicians more than they already do. I understand that Mr. Burnett is a fine upstanding Christian and I in no way hold him responsible for Jesus’ decision, but I call on Mr. Burnett to pray to Christ to not choose him, or any mortal being, as a savior of any kind. Christ, of course, is holy and incapable of sin, but this might come as close to sin as He is comfortable with.’ “I have spoken with His Father, God, in regards to this matter, and He is quite upset. He told me that Jesus has even hung up a blacklight poster of T Bone Burnett in His bedroom and refuses to take it down. I’m pretty sure this must’ve started with the long hair and incense of His youthful days.’ “Mr. Christ, I must ask You to reconsider, and I respectfully challenge You to debate me on this topic via YouTube, so that we can get You back to being worshipped, not the other way around. Jesus, I ask this of You in the name of Yourself, and not in the name of T Bone, or The Led Zeppelins or anybody else, amen.” As of press time, Christ has not responded to the recently deceased preacher’s request for a debate. T Bone Burnett could not be reached for comment.