To the shock of all known beings and dimensions, and to the outrage of his heavenly father, Jesus Christ, aka the Prince Of Peace and at times The Artist Formerly Known As The Prince Of Peace, announced today via a still small voice that was captured in audio format only on YouTube, that he has chosen, of his own free will, to accept T Bone Burnett, the famed Hollywood music and soundtrack producer, as his personal lord and savior. The still small voice is believed to be issuing the following statement: ”Follow me, my sons and daughters, as you always have and as you always wish, as long as that is your wish and my words and ways bring you hope. But remember, that I myself am also searching, in an ever expanding universe, for new life, new meaning, new hope. In your troubadour, J. Henry Burnett, who was raised in a Fort of Worth, I have found one who has accepted me unconditionally, with great fervor but also with quietness and grace; one who can reject me and still win my favor; and one who is likely to reject the notion that I have chosen him, unconditionally. It is not because he is better, or more pure than the rest of you, my children, but because he is slightly taller than most of you without being too tall. He will be easy to spot in a crowd if I need to seek his counsel. Let me clarify that T Bone is very tall, and in fact stands taller than myself when in human form; but he is not bigger than me. We have been through all that before, have we not, with they who were The Beatles. Let us not start with that again. ‘ ”For centuries, I have been offering salvation to others, with varying degrees of success. I realized that I, too, would like to be saved, but by whom and from what? In T Bone, I have found a devoted human admirer, who is both loving and aloof, mysterious and wise, yet beautifully flawed. He makes me laugh, and his open guitar tunings intrigue me. I seek not to glorify T Bone, but to love and understand him, and to learn from his deeds and misdeeds, as he has learned from mine and me. In his heart, I have found a love for myself, as I have asked. It is next to his love for the atheists, and enemies, which many of you forget to include in your prayers and hearts. He teaches while learning, leads while following, brings a silence to the song and a song to the silence. I am pleased with his imperfection, and accept his love and example. I love him no more than the least of you, nor less than the greatest. I hope not to burden him with this attention; this will likely be a test as well as testament for the humility he seeks to honor. That is all, for now. Rest ye and keep warm, and seek out his Warner Bros. recordings, which again seem to have gone out of print, to my eternal disappointment.” T Bone Burnett could not be reached for comment in regards to this most startling development. His friend and associate Elvis Costello, when told the news, issued the following statement through his publicist; “I’m chuffed, really. Couldn’t be happier for him.”
